Untangled by Lisa Damour

Author:Lisa Damour
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2016-02-08T16:00:00+00:00

Holding the Line

Most teens step over the line with their parents at some point during adolescence, often through open displays of disrespect. If your daughter was one of the world’s sweetest little girls, you will be taken aback—even hurt—the first time she’s belligerent with you. Of course, getting ugly differs from family to family because every household has its own emotional thermometer. Some run hot—shouting and swearing are used both in happiness and anger—and others run so cool that interrupting amounts to a verbal assault. There’s no right or wrong emotional thermometer so long as everyone is held to the same standard. In other words, you can’t curse at your daughter and then call it a violation when she returns the favor. Expect that wherever your family draws the line for acceptable communication, your daughter will almost certainly cross it.

When your daughter is no sugar and all spice, you might find yourself reacting in ways that you don’t feel good about. Instead, consider taking an approach that I learned when I landed on the television show Cops during some late-night channel surfing. The scene I caught featured a policeman in his cruiser as he talked to the camera about his “three F’s” for dealing with surly criminals. Cynically, I thought to myself, “Oh! This should be rich,” but then he said, “Just be fair, firm, and friendly.” To translate this brilliant approach from the mean streets to your kitchen, take a breath and remember that—regardless of what your daughter just said—there is that thoughtful, grown-up part of every teenage girl to which you can respond. In a genuine and kind way consider saying, “Clearly you’re very mad—I’m open to having a real conversation about what’s bothering you as soon as you feel ready.” You may need to repeat your same line in the same even-tempered tone if the bile keeps coming. If so, you will find that it’s very rare for a teenager to continue to hurl insults at an adult who persistently offers to address her concerns in a civil manner.

Teenagers also do things they shouldn’t—even things they’ve been specifically told not to do. On a Sunday afternoon I got an urgent message on my practice voicemail from Ben, the father of Dara, a girl I had seen in psychotherapy for separation anxiety when she was in third grade. When I returned his call, he picked up right away and spoke rapidly.

“Hi, Dr. Damour, thanks for getting back to me quickly. I think you remember Dara—she’s now seventeen. Well, her grandmother just died so her mom and I were out of town for three days emptying her house. We left Dara at home and told her not to have anyone over. I got back a few hours ago—my wife is still dealing with her mom’s affairs—and could tell that Dara had a party. Our outdoor plants are trashed and the basement carpet reeks of beer. Dara admitted that she invited a few friends over and that the party got out of hand when a bunch of kids she didn’t know showed up.

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